I have now heard the same monotonous frequency of noise for the last 8-10 years when watching an Indian cricket game. It is the Indian commentary. It rarely varies in frequency, amplitude and most definitely not in the information they carry. That’s right, that’s a physics joke, how fucking clever am I? Sorry, that got a bit too aggressive.
You fucking pieces of shit.
Anyway, back to a much dumber phenomenon: Indian commentary. The only people who at any point will have something interesting to say might be Sunil Gavaskar on technique or Laxman Shjfejcjnecncjnecnenneckkrishnan (I can’t be bothered to spell his name because it’s too long) on leg spin. The rest of the commentary team are experts at making the simple seem profound. In the meantime, you will have your head filled with mind hurting banter as Sunil Gaveskar speaks Hindi with any foreign commentator. When they take light jabs at each other it will often be rebutted with statements of defense. Any statistics that are used are consistently repeated with such mind numbing regularity that you want to kill yourself. More often than not the statistics are pointless and do not add to the discussion. Analysis of batting and bowling technique is limited by the lazy team which can only be bothered to show pitch maps and maybe bounce variation. There is nothing redeeming about India’s current commentary panel. In fact, I often enjoy an England series far more because it is a more enjoyable experience. Indian commentary and telecasting is like a cheap prostitute. Consistently selling itself through terrible and distasteful products. The word “micromax” should not be part of a larger word. It is ridiculously forced to the point where you feel that the Indian commentary team knows what they are doing is nothing short of extortion. The product placement continues between overs. Where between overs of cricket, you get to learn about other micromax products, water filters, and other pointless products. We focus so much on bankers “stealing” our money, but in reality these Indian commentators are repeating jargon that everyone is aware of with the same perspective, sit in an air conditioned box and get paid millions. Now, I am not blaming them. I would be naive and a moron to blame them for taking this opportunity. Making millions for doing nothing? That is an offer anyone would take but all I ask is the following: get rid of commercials between overs and change it to every 3-4. After a certain point most people start hating the product if you advertise it like a whore. The repeated use of the show girl to host the post game discussion yet again shows that this commentary team is pandering to the sexually desperate Indian man. No, I am not being a misogynistic feminist hater but does some girl reading of cue-cards really know more about cricket than Harsha Bhogle or Nasser Hussain? When it comes to interesting discussion all I can hope is that the Indian commentary team just care a bit more. They have a much sharper cricket brain than I do or even 99% of the public do, so why not educate them and stop focussing on pandering to the dumb-headed nitwits who are satisfied with “bowl outside off on that 4th stump line”.
The Indian commentary team need to only look at their English counterparts to learn how to commentate well. The English team provide interesting masterclasses, different pieces of analysis, and have banter. Interesting and fun. I know that sounds like a desperate primary school teacher, but its the truth. India’s commentators just don’t care, and to be honest for most people they don’t need to change. As the small minority complaining, I feel like a hipster arsehole, but at the same time I simply feel frustration when hearing an Indian game.